Returning (Home)
Journeying back to a place that you used to call home can reawaken all kinds of memories and emotions - some nostalgic, some challenging, and some bittersweet.
Image from the Wildwood Tarot Deck
There is nothing like the feeling of returning home - the rush of familiar smells, the thick air filling your lungs. In my case, these were the sensations that I felt as I walked out of the ornate, over air-conditioned hall of Union Station in Washington D.C. two weeks ago. It felt as if no time had passed. I breathed in the smell of magnolias, felt the weight in the air, and allowed my lungs to adjust to the humidity. The magnolias reminded me of the densely populated magnolia tree in my grandmother’s garden that would routinely shed its leaves and petals in the spring and summer months. I would regularly watch my grandmother sweeping the walk to the front of her house on hazy afternoons, or first thing in the morning before any guests arrived.
I began to walk to the Airbnb I had booked in a familiar, yet new to me, part of town - East Capitol, just Northeast of Capitol Hill. This was a neighbourhood I was familiar with because I often spent afternoons or early evenings waiting for my mother at her office as she finished up her meetings for the day. She worked in the Fairbairn Building off of the Hill, as locals would call it, in one of the many buildings lobbyists worked in, conveniently located for direct access to Capitol Hill. Lobbyists would walk the hill as they lobbied senators, congresspeople, and their aides for which client they represented that week. Growing up with such proximity to power impacts you (literally and figuratively) and shapes your understanding of the world. Growing up in Washington, D.C. was something else entirely.
This trip ‘home’ was my first visit to the United States in 6 years. Due to pandemics, chronic injuries, and working as a freelancer in a cultural sector facing increasing funding cuts, my opportunities to return ‘home’ dwindled over the last six years. And no, I would not accept a plane ticket sponsored by my very own mother, for reasons I shall return to later in this newsletter.
I began my re-entry into these United States of America with anxiety and trepidation, so naturally I decided to start my journey via a stop-off in Canada. I chose Montréal, a city I had previously visited twice, but not for nearly 16 years. A dear friend from Edinburgh had just started his PhD at McGill University, and I had not seen him in over a year. We met through mutual friends and, in October 2021, delivered our first workshop together during COP26 in Glasgow, on embodying climate narratives for the future. Our intention was for our workshop to engage people’s fearful and anxious narratives about our climate future through meditation, self-soothing, and somatic practices in order to help our participants process their feelings around the impending climate crisis, and to transmute these feelings into different narratives for the future. We delivered our workshop at the Centre for Contemporary Art as part of the People’s Summit during COP26, and it was sold out.
Justus and I would go on to run a facilitation workshop for the team at the Young Women’s Movement, an organisation for which I was chair of the board after a year of being Vice Chair, and for which I would later become interim CEO. This was before we recruited the wonderful Jenni Snell to take on the torch as the CEO of this now 100 year old organisation (he Young Women’s Movement celebrated its centenary last week, which was the first event I managed to attend upon my return to Edinburgh in the haze of terrible jet lag).
Working with Justus activated an acceleration point in my career, like a powerup in a video game. I was re-engaging with my facilitation practice and working with people in ways I had moved further and further away from in my work as a chief executive in the cultural sector. Justus was leaving for a summer in Europe before he started his studies in Montréal. Our very last workshop was the same embodied climate narratives workshop delivered at Rise Up! Festival, a festival run at Aberdeen Performing Arts (APA) as part of We Are Here Scotland’s programme of annual events. This festival was my last weekend as Co-Director of We Are Here Scotland CIC, after a year of supporting its founder with We Are Here’s launch onto the Scottish cultural scene.
I was spent at this point in my life, and after another fraught experience of working with a founder and CEO within a start up social enterprise, I felt full, but also tired of supporting another organisation through the familiar symptoms of a founder with “founderism” (or founder’s syndrome). This can be defined as an obsessive leadership style driven by a founder’s ego. I like to define it as the challenges associated with a founder not well-equipped to enable their start up organisation to grow and thrive because it is their own creation. Over the years, I have encountered this problem in many arts organisations; in particular, where barriers to entry are high, but the barriers to attempt something new as a collective, organisation, or project are low. This can be caused by founders having little experience of applying for funding, incorporating their organisations, or being paranoid about sharing their vision with other people in their team because of their need to control their own creation. This lack of experience, trust of others, and ability to self-reflect in order to identify the need to develop new skills, delegate tasks, or let go of some responsibility is often what causes an organisation to flounder. I had joined the team at We Are Here with the caveat that I would be leaving the arts and stepping away from my role as a producer and senior manager. The work was becoming too burdensome as I continued to experience mismanagement, poor governance, and bad behaviour.
So, here I was in Canada with a person who had encouraged me to leave this organisation months before I was put in an extremely difficult position by one of its team members. This person threatened to leave if I did not take over the running of the organisation from the founder, in an email we had agreed to send to him about his need to upskill or relinquish some control. Her ultimatum was a surprise to me, and was the last straw before I called it quits.
Justus was thriving in Montréal. He had just finished his first term teaching students an ecojustice course. I had not seen him in nearly two years. I met him at his flat in a Hasidic neighbourhood in Montréal. We spent hours cooking, updating each other on our lives, and, ultimately, pulling oracle cards. We sat in contemplation, reflecting on the journeys ahead of us. Justus was travelling the next day to a community outside of Montréal called Valhalla to explore a possible research partner for his PhD. I was making my way south to New York City for my first official touchdown on American soil after more than half a decade. We pulled cards to explore what might emerge for us on our respective travels the following morning.
I pulled ‘Balance’, a card represented by two serpents wrapping around an old oak tree that symbolises a connection to the land and the heavens. The card suggested that it was time for me to find patience and rest in order to contemplate ‘all facets of my existence.’ Through inner balance I could find calm to navigate in my mind the journey ahead, and to see past the present circumstances to surrender to a process of ‘trust and confidence in my own strengths.’ You see, I was returning (home) for the first time since my father died, 13 days after my birthday, in July 2020. I was visiting a city in which I grew up, but in which my mother no longer lived, and I was exploring my relationship to a place I had chosen not to live in as an adult. Scotland was my chosen home but, since the events of 2020, my relationship to Scotland has also shifted, and has become more of a question than a certainty. I was doing the deep work of asking myself, ‘who am I?’ on this journey, and ‘where do I want to be?’
Montréal had given me some perspective. Being back in North America was familiar and welcoming, but also different. A city I remembered as quiet and quaint (likely due to the fact that my previous visits had almost exclusively been to the Old Port of the city) was actually loud and dense, urban even. But the trees, the thickness of the air, the way people spoke to one another, and the landscape lived somewhere deep inside of me. New York City, a city I had visited many times and a city that contained many friends had always felt overwhelming. On this trip, I found the chaos of New York orderly, the streets more manicured, and its sights even more familiar. I walked for days. One day I walked 23,000 steps to Central Park from the Flatiron District to the Imagine Mosaic in Strawberry Fields to lay flowers for John Lennon, who was my father’s favourite Beatle. I walked with my headphones in and ignored questions from bystanders to each other about what I was doing. A mother, I suspect, said to her child ‘it’s an act of devotion’; little did they know that my devotion to John Lennon was a bit less than my devotion to my father, but important all the same. I picked lilac tulips. Some were barely in bloom, which was fitting given my feeling that my relationship with my father was still not fully in bloom even though he has passed on. I prepared for my walk by watching The Beatles’s first appearance in America on the Ed Sullivan Show and their first live performance in Washington D.C. in the 60s (1964, to be exact) and imagined what my father felt when he first heard their music.
I took my time wandering the streets of the upper East Side. I ate a macaron. I drank an iced coffee and I let myself wander the streets southward towards Grand Central Station. I was letting my feet touch the ground, familiarise themselves with the land, and reacquaint themselves with a place I once called home. It was a walking meditation and a practice of patience, as I slowly made my way home to Washington, D.C.
… to be continued…
✨ Make Good Trouble News ✨
Two Weeks Ago
OMTimes - Celestial Compass with Kathy Biehl
I appeared on the OM Times podcast by Kathy Biehl Celestial Compass while I was in Washington, D.C., recorded the first evening I stayed in my lovely AirBnb in East Hill. Listen to and watch our episode here. We talk about the power of Uranus for channeling disruption, eclipse season, and what it means to Make Good Trouble.
My Philadelphia book event at Harriett’s was, unfortunately, cancelled at the last minute, but there will be more US Tour Dates announced for my next trip to the States in August. Stay tuned for more information about Detroit, Portland, and Washington D.C. dates to come!
Last Week
Exclusive signed copies of Make Good Trouble are now available at Porty Books and Typewronger Books. Get an exclusive tote bag with your book at Portobello Books in store while supplies last. You can also purchase your copy from Toppings & Co in St Andrews with an exclusive tote bag.
Friday 26 April, I had a book event at Toppings St Andrews that was sold out. 58 people attended to listen to me talk about my journey writing Make Good Trouble, share a few readings, and answer questions about the book. The event was beautifully hosted by Julia from the team at Toppings, and I had a wonderful time. Read Julia’s review of my book here.
Make Good Trouble is appearing all over the world! A copy of Make Good Trouble was spotted in Boston at Brookline Booksmith by astrologer Claire Brown | Sky Speaks to You.
✨ Make Good Trouble Events ✨
Next Week - London Book Events
Watkins UK is hosting a Reinventing Women’s Health event at Vout-O-Renee’s in London on 08 May. This event, hosted by Integrative Psychologist Vikki Scott, will explore the ways in which we can reframe women’s health. This will be discussed by five authors (including me!). Hear from Tally Frosh, author of Hooked: Why We Are Addicted and How to Break Free; Jackie Lynch, author of The Happy Menopause: Smart Nutrition to Help Your Flourish; Frankie Paz, author of forthcoming book Plant Feasts; and Sophie Scott, author of new book You Are Not Alone in This.
On 09 May 2024, my London book launch will takeplace at Watkins Bookstore in Covent Garden. If you’re in London or have friends or family in London, please invite them to join! Get your own exclusive tote bag, bookmark, and a chance for me to sign your copy of Make Good Trouble.
✨ Giveaways ✨
Our first giveaway closed last Sunday with a beautiful bundle of goodies from Black Moon Botanica. The giveaway was open to UK Residents, and our winner was Lorraine Hamilton of Glasgow. Lorraine won a bundle of two types of incense (sage and lavender), an exclusive perfume oil (Morticia) from Black Moon Botanica, a Mercury Retrograde Black Moon Botanica herbal blend, a blend of crystals, a lovely Make Good Trouble tote bag, a signed copy of the book, and an exclusive Make Good Trouble bookmark. Congratulations Lorraine!
I will be announcing more giveaways soon!
What I’m Reading This Week
Gabor Maté’s The Myth of Normal is a tour de force through the impact of trauma on our bodies and ways that we can reframe sickness and illness in a sick and ill society. It is a must-read if you are interested in understanding the impact of being human in a modern world.
What I’ve Watched
Where the Crawdad’s Sing (2022) Film
This is a riveting, beautiful coming-of-age story, which is also about a murder that takes place in the deep of the Bayou. I watched this on my flight back to the States. The cinematography, the themes of loss, death, and rebirth, and in particular the way that food is portrayed got me in the mood to return to the US of A. With beautiful acting and stunning visuals, this heartbreaking story is worth a read in its original incarnation as a novel, and then worth a watch. Surprisingly, this film is also about the journey of a published author and illustrator, so it resonated deeply.
This film, starring Jeffrey Wright, explores a novelist's journey to fame in an insane world… our universe. This story of a Black man critiquing Black writing and what it means to make it in American Fiction is poignant, funny, and very real. This ode to black middle-class America and to the writing process is the second film that I watched on my flight to the States that was about an author. Starring Jeffrey Wright, Issa Rae, Erika Alexander, and Adam Brody.
This sci-fi film covers the story of a single mother living in the States with her daughter. In this universe, both characters have special powers, and it also seems that they may be on the run. Things are not what they seem in this world and in her coming-of-age journey Aurora discovers her true powers and true identity. Starring Mia Isaac and Jessica Frances.
Shaun White: The Last Run (2023) Documentary Series
I have been a fan of Shaun White since my childhood. A G.O.A.T, a record-defying, gravity bending, one-of-a-kind athlete, this documentary series explores Shaun White’s life journey, how he redefined a sport forever, and his process of retirement. This series is beautifully shot, expertly narrated, and includes intimate footage of Shaun White’s career, with exclusive interviews with his family members and friends.