Recovering Perfectionism and ADHD: The origins of a baby queer raised in a queer world
A different take on the origins of the best-selling blockbuster Mean Girls - happy pride!
(Shells I foraged at Porty Beach on the Summer Solstice - Happy Litha!)
Recovering Perfectionism and ADHD: The origins of a baby queer raised in a queer world
25 June 2025
A different take on the origins of the best-selling blockbuster Mean Girls - happy pride!
As a recovering perfectionist, I know that nothing will ever be quite finished. There will always be more I could have done, a better way that I could have done things, and that I could always have used more time. Part self-flagellation and part internalised abuse, my inner voice is rarely kind. Even when I know I am overegging it, my internal monologue gets meaner, nastier, and spurts out things I would not say to another living soul in my wildest dreams. I know that part of my inner voice is an accumulation of sayings from an abusive parent, who only ever told me they were proud of me in front of others in order to validate their own parenting rather than their child. The other part of my inner voice is a frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed neurodivergent human who feels that, no matter what they do, the goal posts continue to shift.
My ADHD diagnosis in February came with a recognition that my entire life has been shadowed by the experience of being neurodivergent. ADHD comes alongside Autistic Spectrum Disorder. The year my math teacher would hold me back after class and mark me down on coursework for dropping negative signs in math equations; the hours I would spend with my father memorising multiplication tables; the essays I would get chastised for because I was too creative and had not quite followed the instructions; I simply took these things in stride, though I found myself constantly struggling to stay motivated. The good thing was, I attended a school that assigned so much coursework each evening (4 hours) that by the time my marks counted towards university acceptance, I was too overwhelmed with the sheer volume of work I had to do that I simply had to get on with it. Which meant working during lunchtime, breaks, free periods, and the moment I finished sports practice. I would march myself straight to the library or march myself straight home to the shower, have dinner, and then work until the early hours of the morning.
Because I was a young woman who was energetic, charismatic, overly involved at school from school plays to leadership clubs and a plethora of extracurricular activities no one noticed I might be neurodivergent. I channeled my extra energy into band practice for a band I was often lead guitarist in. The over structured days I inhabited meant I barely had time to think, I was either going to sports practice for the basketball/football/american football/softball team I was part of. When I was in my pre-teens that included ballet, jazz, hip hop, modern dance, and tap dance classes two to three times a week in the evenings. Summers consisted of tennis lessons, swimming lessons, and acting or dance lessons. Winters consisted of ice skating and Portuguese classes on Saturday mornings. By the time I was 14 and my parents had been divorced for three years, my mother decided it was time I cultivated a closer relationship to God, so I was at church every Sunday morning followed by Sunday school classes. Thankfully my fellow religious devotees were also uncertain about their faith and used it as an excuse to hang out with people our age. If I wasn’t doing any of the aforementioned activities I was volunteering my time as part of a youth leadership programme or making sandwiches for the homeless. I had a summer job as a camp counselor at the famous Sidwell Friends School where many of the US President’s daughters had attended. I went to the rival school about a 20 minute walk away. If I was not working at summer camp, I had a summer internship at a non-governmental organisation where I was either doing research, running events, or meeting the right people for my future career success.
Of course all of this screams of privilege, access, and, quite frankly, nothing to complain about. But I also list off my experiences not to garner pity or to brag about my accomplishments, but to paint a picture of how constantly overwhelmed I was - operating at an unsustainable pace, reinforced by a society in which this was normal. No wonder no one noticed I had ADHD or Autism. No wonder my internal monologue was of constant self-punishment if I did not achieve perfection and quite frankly, it is sad that I often did achieve - because it reinforced an unsustainable belief that if I pushed myself to the absolute limit, I could be successful.
This is where I began to cultivate the cult of busyness and for years that is the main word people would use to describe me. Even when I decided that slowing down that busyness was my main goal in life, my various interests, and quite frankly my ability to multitask, synthesise large swaths of information, cultivate an interest in many things was actually all part of my hidden ADHD. My need for constant stimulation (read inattentiveness), my risk-taking and ability to take on new challenges (read impulsiveness), and my success at these things ( read hyperfocus and special interests) enabled me to excel. This is what high functioning, hidden ADHD looks like, especially in a woman. This does not mean I did not suffer with high levels of anxiety (social or otherwise), depression, which was a regular cycle, regular suicidal ideation, and very low self-esteem. The combination of my childhood experiences of abuse, high levels of pressure to perform in an incredibly elitist environment, and being highly agreeable to the point of people pleasing - this personality made for the perfect storm.
I was also highly therapised. I had regular meltdowns, which my mother put down to stress and at the age of 15 I started psychotherapy with a wonderful therapist called Candice. It was challenging for her to see what was really going on because I was great at navigating the stickier parts of my psyche. Did I mention suicidal ideation? Never. That was a faux paus that could have me committed to an institution, in my young teenage mind. Not to mention that almost half of my year was in therapy or self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, or sex due to the constant pressure we were under. Parents would complain to the school and they would retort with, ‘do you want your child to get into a competitive college or university? If you do, this is what it takes.’ So, we simply suffered in silence.
I had close friends going through similar things, and if they weren’t, because their parents had done the ‘sane’ thing of finally putting them in state school, I at least had them to be a teenager with. High school was social torture. Especially at a time when rape culture and misogyny was rife. Boys in my year made ‘hot or not’ lists reviewing girls’ bodies that they would read aloud in common rooms. People were forced into non-consensual sexual acts. People discussed girls' body hair, body shapes, clothing choices, and ‘fuckability.’ Did I mention my school was the inspiration for the book Queenbees and Wannabes, which was later turned into the original Mean Girls. The real Regina George had gotten kicked out of my school and sent to another where she wrecked more havoc. I was literally at the centre of teenage hell.
I was also rebellious. I wore combat boots and fishnet stockings. My nails were painted black. When I first started school in 7th grade, when I was 12, I decided to join the all boys American tackle football team as the second girl in the history of the school to do it. I liked football and had played during recess for years. Obviously without shoulder pads and boys weighing 90 kilograms that could crush me. But to me, it was all the same. I wanted to play.
My new classmates attended one of my gigs with one of our first lead singers of our band who was completely off key. They all never came back and I became the laughing stock of the school. No matter, I didn’t like them anyway with their judgements, cyberbullying forays, and overall boring, straight-edge ways. I wanted to fit in, sure. But not at the expense of everything I loved. I was a black, closeted vegetarian, bisexual. I dressed like a baby goth that had gotten her entire wardrobe from Hot Topic and listened to My Chemical Romance’s Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge on my discman on repeat for nearly two years. I spent my summer sitting on my grandmother's back porch staring at a building emerging in the distance and listening to cicadas humming each time the album came to an end and I had to restart it by closing my discman again and pressing play again.
I know I was born in the wrong time and yet understood that I was exactly where I needed to be. Thankfully I was immersed in art and music. Thankfully my creativity thrived in that hellscape of a high school. Thankfully I had all of the materials at my disposal due to the privilege of my parents, or really my mother, paying fees each year that were five digits long to this late naughties institution that was a picture of teenage angst. The world was my oyster and yet I was crippled with the anxiety of being raised by a community of somebodies - CEOs of AOL, senators’ sons, and like me, children of former Clinton appointees. In some ways, that part of it was just our normal. So many of us turned out to live mediocre, boring, and happy lives. So many of us amounted to nothing, but a life of happiness.
When I look back on my journey to this moment and the trajectory I was on for most of my twenties. A quick succession of young firsts, first black woman American President of Edinburgh University Students’ Association (EUSA), youngest chair of the board of YWCA Scotland - the Young Women’s Movement, and early twenties social enterprise founder. What was it all for? Thankfully I can say it was not for the status, it was because I cared about all of this work. These communities, spaces of growth, spaces of challenge, and opportunities to cut my teeth making huge mistakes. I also met the best people, put on the best shows, and made an impact in ways I will be forever grateful for. What do you expect of a child so endowed with so many internalised pressures that she either disintegrates into charred speaks of dust or produces a number of shiny diamonds with clarity, cut, and charisma.
My body did not keep up. I struggled with an incredibly dysregulated nervous system, chronic gastrointestinal conditions, repeat ankle injuries, and required years of therapy, healers, tarot readers, coaches, emotional freedom technique specialists, and doctors visits to deeply understand the impact of being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world. Of always being somewhat confused, overly exhausted, and treading water in a sea of overwhelm that mostly lives in my head. I thankfully had many teachers that taught me how to be in my body through dance, meditation, shamanic practice, yoga, nights out, and a community of incredible friends. Most of whom now realise they are also neurodivergent and were highly masking until it was more safe to be neurodivergent. Even though these days the world feels mostly too loud, too insensitive, too fast, and too set in its ways of not understanding the reality of being assaulted by a world not designed for us. We persist to exist.
✨Make Good Trouble News ✨
Have you read Make Good Trouble: A Practical Guide to the Energetics of Disruption? If so, I would love to hear your thoughts on the book. Send me a simple message here or leave a review on Goodreads or Amazon.
Last week I sat down with Ysha of Activist Witch to talk about Make Good Trouble. We shared our experiences as people of colour and baby queers in activist spaces, how important it is to have a guide navigate the intricacies of holding people to account, and how to embed our spiritual practices into other aspects of our life. Our podcast episode will be out next month. Here she is with a copy of my book. I love her manicure!
Another Tuesday Afternoon Review with Nicola Meighan on BBC Radio Scotland. This time I reviewed the new exhibition Women in Revolt! Art and Activism in the UK 1970-1990 at the Modern Two at the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art. From the punk and DIY movement to the first women’s liberation conference, this exhibition is packed with zines, documentaries, art, and music from this incredible period in history. If you want to learn more about women’s liberation and see it presented in an intersectional way, please make your way to this exhibition. A little access note warning, bring snacks and prepare to visit multiple times. There is so much content in this exhibition that you need to pace yourself and then don’t forget about the podcast attached to it. The curator Linsey Young has taken real care to provide us with a never-ending resource and if these sorts of exhibitions were more normalised, there would be no need to pack so much into one exhibition. I ended up walking away with the exhibition book for a dear, but well worth it price of over £30. This exhibition is on until the 26 January 2025, so you have plenty of time to visit it!
Next is Adam Lambert’s Out, Loud and Proud, a documentary exploring queer music history in Britain from the 70s highlighting in particular Queen’s role in this history as Queen's lead singer for the last decade. It’s Pride and this is the perfect documentary to watch to bed proud as well as recognise the ongoing struggle queer family continue to lead. Watch this show on ITV!
Last but not least, is Shondaland’s Black Barbie (2024) on Netflix. For those of you familiar with Shonda Rhimes’s empire, this documentary does not disappoint. Shonda Rhimes of Scandal and Bridgerton fame explores the untold history of the first Black Barbie and all of the people involved in bringing her to life. My relationship to this story would require an entirely separate newsletter, so I’ll leave you with this. Dolls influenced some of the most historic supreme court legislation in the United States Brown vs Board of Education mandating that American schools be integrated and include black and white students, a ruling that changed the landscape of the United States in May of 1954. This ruling impacted my mother and influenced my own family history. It is 1100% worth a watch because this is just a tidbit of what you might learn from this documentary.
Listen to my full review on BBC Sounds here.
✨ Make Good Trouble Events ✨
Join us on June 28th at Tribe Porty from 5:30pm until 7:30pm. To gather, to be inspired, to be heard, to tell (and to listen) to stories for Story Sessions.
The evening is in partnership with Porty Pride with stories falling under the theme: LOVE.
The wonderful Story Sessions is the brainchild of my dear pal Ellie Clinch who set up Soapbox for Creatives. This event is in partnership with Tribe Porty as part of Porty Pride!
Make Good Trouble: A Practical Guide to the Energetics of Disruption: A Discussion at Porty Pride, Saturday 29 June 2024 at 12:30 PM at Portobello Bookshop. Join me at Catherine-Rose Stocks-Rankin discussing disruption, the tools you need to disrupt the status quo, and why this is so fundamental to Pride.
✨ Announcing My Second US Tour This August ✨
01 August - Detroit, Michigan Author Event at Source Booksellers - Event Link Here
07 August - Portland, Maine Author Event at Print:A Bookstore with Indigo Arts Alliance, a BIPOC arts organisation. This will include a workshop (details still to be finalised)
12 August - Washington, D.C. Author event at Solid State Books - Event Link Here
✨Special Events - Workshops & Retreats✨
Inner Clarity withMarina - Marina Oswald from Talk with Marina and I are launching an incredibly special two-part workshop series called Inner Clarity.
Our values help us unearth the core of who we are. When we have clarity around our values, we understand ourselves at our deepest level and, by putting those values into practice, we can bring our lives into alignment in magical ways. This inner clarity supports an inner peace that helps us live in magical alignment with our purpose. Join us for a values workshop in two parts. Explore your values using the values compass and then learn how to put those values into practice.
The sessions will run back to back over two weeks on the 21 July and 30th of July in Edinburgh.
For newsletter subscribers please use special discount code prelaunch to book for a £33 early bird ticket. Regular tickets at £44 and early bird tickets are available until 30 June 2024.
If you are interested in hearing more about this join Marina and me for an Instagram Live next Friday 21 June to explore what this means in practice under the dim light of the Full Strawberry Moon.
For more information watch our Instagram live from last week here.
✨ Things I’ve Read ✨
Money: A User’s Guide by Laura Whateley
Now before you scoff at this recommendation, I need to say one thing. You must read this book. I am as financially literate as the next person, which probably means not massively. Before I read this book I obviously knew what an ISA was. I was thinking hard about how to combine my many disparate pensions into one pension pot. As a self-employed person with no family to help me with a deposit and no savings to my name, I didn’t think I would be looking into a mortgage seriously ever or at least not for another half a decade. I knew I had a credit score, but had not checked it in a wee while and the prospect of saving as someone working freelance in the publicly funded cultural sector gave me the fear; however, this book is the one. Personable, relatable, and broken down in helpful language, this book motivated me to finally register for a Pension Bee account, look into my credit score in more detail, and put a plan in place for some savings… and I haven’t even finished the book yet! Please read it. If I could I would buy a copy for each and every one of my friends, but until then, I can only recommend it to read, especially for those of you that think financial planning is only for people that have money to plan with.
Next Up is another one of 404ink’s Inkling series:
Happy Death Club by Naomi Westerman
As someone intimately acquainted with grief and death, especially as July signals my birth month, my dad’s birth month, and indeed my father’s death-a-versary, I love anything that explores grief. You are also the first to hear it, but my next writing project in development will be about grief, so this book is basically research. The Inklings series by 404 ink, an independent publisher in Edinburgh I highly rate that published the famous Nasty Women: A Collection of Essays + Accounts On What It Is To Be A Woman in the 21st Century in 2017 when he-who-must-not-be-named called Hillary Clinton, US Presidential candidate a nasty woman is a tour-de-force. Read Happy Death Club and also read anything (and everything) they publish!
✨ An Announcement ✨
Given it is July and Cancer Season, it is time for me to take a respite. July is a month of celebration and mourning for me. It is also the month that comes after the first six months of the year, which for me spells exhaustion. It is time to slow down. It is time to rest. It is time to dive into the watery depths of my emotions as the nurturing Cancer sun in me needs time to recover and be in my watery emotions.
Since the summer solstice last week and the full moon in Capricorn last Friday, I have been feeling it. I am completely burned out. I feel flat and fried. As it becomes my mission to design my days and working life in a way that allows me to not crawl from burnout to burnout, I have been taking stock. I’ve started working with the wonder Lauren from Unravel.Va to look at what I can automate, create a template for, and minimise admin around. I’ve had the wonderful help of Ellie Clinch on socials and marketing for the last few months as well as Paul McArthur as a copyeditor and research assistant. Check out Paul’s new single Red Balloon as part of his solo project Praise Team here.
I am looking to publish a newsletter twice a month and introduce some more intimate vulnerable writing behind a paywall. If you are interested in reading more from me and helping me build a community of disruptors, heartbreakers, and people looking to build a better world, subscribe. I would love your support.
There will be more events happening in July, US events in August, and events in Glasgow at the end of the month of August. You’ll be the first to hear about them here. Thank you for joining me on this journey thus far. I appreciate each and every one of you. I am so grateful for this outlet to write, share, and muse. Sending love and wishing you restful vibes this summer. I promise to share some photos of my travels this summer. Next up is Venice, Florence, and Milan!